Anniversary. For some, this word may immediately bring to mind a celebratory event, like a milestone in a relationship or longevity at a job. For others, the image may be more somber – the first holiday after a loved one has died or the date of a traumatic event. And sometimes, they are both, like wanting to celebrate your cancer recovery. As a trauma therapist, one question I get asked by many of my clients is how to handle a trauma anniversary. It’s a complicated question and one which inherently requires more exploration with the person asking it.
My first response is to be curious with the client about their emotions regarding the anniversary – what does it represent to them? What emotions does it bring up? Was it an individual experience or a community trauma? Are there others who they might want to be with who would understand?
Their responses to these questions often help guide the discussion and provide insight into what they are needing as an individual and what additional supports may be available. For example, figuring out how to celebrate Thanksgiving the first year after Grandma died – when she was the one who always brought the family together and thrived on the family memories created during that day. This may feel different than how a school (or the individual staff) might want to acknowledge the date marking one year since they experienced a shooting.
It is important to acknowledge that we are likely to experience an emotional and perhaps physical response to a trauma anniversary. This is a normal response to trauma, especially when we have not fully processed the event and are still trying to sort through our reactions and make meaning of what happened. Preparing yourself prior to the anniversary may help alleviate the surprise when you suddenly find yourself emotional or tense in a way you didn’t expect. Or, you may look at the calendar and realize that an anniversary has passed and it didn’t even cross your mind.
Next, I encourage folks to think about what they as an individual would like to do to memorialize the event. What will help them process their emotions and support meaning making? This could look like cooking Grandma’s favorite recipes and sharing favorite memories during the meal. Or it could mean taking the day off from work and staying cozy at home with your favorite snacks and tentative plans for afternoon coffee with a friend. For anniversaries that impact a broader group, there is often a more communal acknowledgement that may need to be negotiated or discussed throughout a team. This may include things like a moment of silence or group announcement.
As people approach anniversary dates, I frequently encourage my clients to identify what their ideal process would look like and then what alternative ideas could be depending on circumstances that day – how they’re feeling, impact of weather, boundaries set by their workplace, etc. Keep in mind that everyone processes trauma in different ways and at their own pace, but here are some suggestions I would encourage when you’re contemplating how to handle a pending trauma anniversary in your life:
- What current expectations are there for the day (do you have work, is it your day to run carpool, etc)?
- In this moment, what do you anticipate would help you feel supported and safe (do you want to have space to process alone, would you like to be with a friend, would maintaining your typical schedule and routine bring comfort)?
- What would it take to plan for those needs now (do you need to ask off from work, contact your close friends, coordinate with family, etc)?
- If on the day things don’t go as planned, what type of back-up plan can you have ready to go (for example you plan to be at work and then find that you are not able to effectively engage and need to go home or you thought you wanted to be alone and then find yourself wishing for company)?
- Who can you include in your plan so that they can support you in getting your needs met – even if that means supporting you in having alone time to process?
As you approach the next anniversary in your life, I encourage you to think about what would bring you space for processing, connection, and healing. Give yourself grace for whatever reactions or responses show up and don’t hesitate to reach out if you would like someone to talk through these events with. We are here to support.
